The New New New

Besties, we have so much to catch up on! I apologize again for keeping my three blog followers out of the loop for so long. It’s just been, you know, all of that. But I think I need to give y’all the lowdown of how my time has been spent since March of 2020

• Got my Master’s Degree - I’m officially a two-time Juilliard graduate! It was kind of sad not being able to be with my friends and family on the day (but huge plus: attended a graduation ceremony in sweatpants), but after pouring my heart and soul into working on this degree, not even Covid could stop me from getting it.

• Made a Big Life Decision - I moved to Greensboro, North Carolina to pursue my DMA at UNC - Greensboro with Dr. Michael Burns! I loved my audition day experience, and I had a gut feeling that this was going to be the right school for me at this time in my life. Long story short, this is the best decision I have ever made. We’ll go into detail a little later.

• Baby’s First Audition Win - I actually won an orchestra audition! Well, technically I was runner-up, but the Billings Symphony in Montana decided to offer me the second bassoon position anyway, which was not even advertised as open! So I’ve had a couple of concerts with them, and it’s been a really good experience. It’s only made me more determined to win even more jobs.

• Fulfilled a Secret Dream - I don’t think I ever told this to anyone before this year, but for some reason, I’ve always had this dream of being a mascot for a sports team. Something about being outgoing, yet completely anonymous, appealed to me. And this past summer I got that opportunity! I worked for a small baseball team, and it went so well, I got to do some more mascot work for other sports teams in North Carolina. This job is so different from my normal musical life, but I can’t get enough of it. I’m going to apply for more mascot jobs in the future, just to see what comes up from it. You never know, you might catch me at a game you attend in the near future, and you’d never know it!

• Fulfilled a Not-So-Secret Dream - I’ve been auditioning for the TV show Jeopardy! for about 6 years, and in October 2020, I made it to the Contestant Pool! Between then and April 2022, I could be called up to play. I highly doubt it, but a simple bassoonist can dream, cant’ they?

This pretty much is the SparkNotes of my life post-Juilliard and post-quarantine. I’ve gotten to do so many wonderful things, things that I wouldn’t even dare to dream of when I was living in New York, Covid or no. I’m so happy with how my life has unfolded since I moved to North Carolina, and I cannot wait to see what’s in store for the next year and a half!

Um...I'm Back?

It’s been almost two years since I’ve touched this blog and this website. There have been a lot of changes in my life, a lot of changes in the world, oh, and a pandemic, I guess.

So, uh, hi. How’s everything these days? Good?

The Great Experiment

As you know, since I last blogged, the world essentially fell apart at the seams with Coronavirus. Many have taken drastic measures to prevent the spread of the disease, including Juilliard. This is an unprecedented decision: Juilliard will be conducting classes exclusively online for the rest of the semester, and all public performances will be cancelled.

We are about to participate in one of the greatest experiments in music school history. I have never heard of a conservatory teaching classes remotely before, but I am about to do that first-hand. Not only do I have to take my classes online, but I will teach my Ear Training classes via video and Skype-type apps for the next two months. The department has been working overtime to prepare, myself included. It’s a lot of emails and text messages between me, the other Teaching Assistants, and the Faculty. This is truly unexplored land, and we have been unwillingly pushed to the front lines. Get ready folks, we’re about to have a very bumpy ride.

It's Over, Isn't It

My time auditioning to the DMA is over. I guess I should just say it now: I didn’t get into Juilliard. I was cut after the audition round.

I just don’t know how to feel. I worked so hard, built myself up, and I played well. But sometimes, your best isn’t enough. Six years, and it ends in May. It’s weird. Well, Juilliard is weird. Every hall, every teacher, ever rehearsal, everything is weird. But it’s weird in all the right ways. It’s the kind of weird that makes you a better person in the end. A better musician. A better human. I have the day off tomorrow, but I have work in the library on Wednesday. So, I’ll deal with that when I get there.

Thank you to everyone who has been reading my blog. Thank you to everyone who has supported my journey. It’s far from over. But I knew I had to make this public as soon as I could. You don’t deserve secrets.

This is It, Us, and 40

THE LAST. WEEK. OF FEBRUARY *air horn sounds*. This is it, ladies and caballeros. In a few sweet days, I will be free of the DMA audition circuit (as far as I know).

I am actually currently writing in the Student Activities Center of Stony Brook University out in Long Island. It’s a small but mighty music department known for their excellent DMA program. I currently study with the professor, Dr. Frank Morelli, at Juilliard. It was a good audition, actually. But I can’t help but think, “should I be spending three more years with Morelli?”. We both recognize that 6 years is a long time to be with a teacher, and if I came to Stony Brook, it would be 3 more. I myself am thinking I should be stepping away from this already great relationship. But at the end of the day, I think that the environment change will be enough for me to stay with Dr. Morelli if I come here. It’s completely different out here. But everyone is so nice and helpful. And of course, some of the best musicians in the world teach here. There’s a lot to learn, not just from Dr. Morelli. I know he always has my back, so whatever happens, he will be on board, because he knows I can make decisions for myself.

This just leaves one more: Juilliard. It’ll be the most uphill battle I will climb. But this is the program I really want to do. Out of all the degrees, the DMA has been the most important to me. I will make sure I do everything I can to get as far into the audition process as possible. This was an excellent warm-up. But on Monday, I’m playing for keeps.

Mid-Audition Season Check-In

It is now the middle of February, and the DMA audition season has already been off to a solid start. I’ve already had two auditions, and with just two more to go, I’m ready to work hard and get myself across the finish line with one thing on my mind: VICTORY!!!!!

Since the first two auditions already happened, it’s only natural that I spill the tea on what they were like. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, my first audition was at UNC Greensboro. Not gonna lie: I loved it there. The school was nice and big, the recital hall where I played was lovely, and the professors I met that day were absolutely amazing. I was nervous on the car ride over, because I really didn’t know what they would think of me. But as soon as I started playing, it all washed away. I was originally supposed to be at the school for 1.5 hours: 25 minutes of audition, 35 minutes of interview, and then 15-30 more minutes of an interview with the theory department (I want to potentially be a Theory/Ear Training TA). I ended up being there for around 5 or 6. The bassoon professor, Dr. Michael Burns, and I decided to have a lesson after my theory interview. Then, I went to the bassoon studio class. It all happened so fast, but I was soaking up every second of it! Dr. Burns is a really interesting character: originally from New Zealand, he did his graduate study with Leonard Sharrow at NEC and William Winstead at CCM, eventually ending up in the Greensboro area. We talked a lot about my intonation and how it needed some work, and how we should be thinking like a singer in terms of vocal placement of every note. It’s something that I talk about with my current teacher, Dr. Frank Morelli, all the time, but Dr. Burns went in. He was very detail-oriented, which usually annoys me, but for some reason, the way he was presenting the information was very engaging and not nagging in any way. It was in that lesson that made me think, I think I like it here. He was a very passionate teacher, and that’s the number one quality I’m looking for in a teacher for my DMA. I left that day excited and confident that I would do well the rest of audition season.

My second audition was last week, at the Graduate School and University Center of the City University of New York, commonly known as CUNY Graduate Center. This one was less personalized than my time in Greensboro. I was only going to be in the audition room for 15 minutes, rather than the whole hour I got at UNC. It was a one-shot deal and I had to make it count. I remember walking into the recital hall. It was nice and big, and the faculty were spread out around the hall. And funnily enough, one of them was Charles Neidich, who is clarinet faculty at Juilliard! He was my chamber music coach my freshman year of college (though I don’t think he remembers me). But regardless, his presence somehow relaxed me. The music soon began. And I’m happy to report that nothing major happened! I was in and out in a jiffy.

CUNY was a two-day audition. Day one was playing, which went really well. Day 2 was the all-important entrance exam. To me, doctoral exams are diagnostic: they want to know if you have learned anything from your time in school, and if you can present that information in an engaging manner. Studying for these exams is one thing, but taking them is a whole different story. All of the candidates were placed in a room, at tables of 8. We had two hours to complete the 5 page exam. And boy, was it interesting to be in that exam room. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed 31 people break out in a collective sweat. Personally, I thought it wasn’t bad. I skipped straight to the figured bass exercise and Roman Numeral analysis and knocked them out immediately. This is a strategy I normally try to employ: get rid of the easier stuff and use a majority of the time on the difficult parts. And let me tell you, the hardest part was the score identification. The goal of the section was to identify the piece, or at least the composer and general time at which it was written. I’m not fully sure I was right. But other than that, I thought I did pretty well. I left feeling pretty good about my chances.

With just SUNY Stony Brook and Juilliard left, my last round of college auditions is about to come to a close. I’m more motivated than ever to get things done, so it’s nothing but hard work and determination from here on out!!!!

It's About To Get Real

We have reached the year of perfect vision, ABC News shows about wives who have snapped, and the last semester of my Master’s Degree! The last five and a half years have prepared me for this moment. It’s now or never. The year has already started off with a bang: I got past prescreening at CUNY Graduate Center!!! Now that I’m rested up form this wonderful winter break, I feel more than ready to conquer whatever audition or performance comes my way. My blog posts lately have had the same tone: motivated and confident. I’m taking the bull by the horns and body slamming it into a china shop. I believe in myself. I know I can do it. It’s time I show everyone in the world why they need to believe in me.

Calm Before the Storm

I FINISHED DOCTORAL APPLICATIONS!!!!! I’m very relieved. It’s been a long and hard semester, to be honest. The stress of school, work, and applications have been really mounting up, but it’s over for now. There will be a few weeks before my first audition at UNC Greensboro, so I have a little time to really prepare for a great performance. For the first time in my life, I feel truly ready to take on this challenge. Everything that I’ve done, both good and bad, have prepared me for this moment. There’s no turning back.

Setbacks

There are times when I’m just raring to go out in the big bad world. In times like those, I think I feel like I’m ready to take the next step. But life always finds a way to pull the rug out from under my feet. Sometimes the audition I really want to take doesn’t give me an invitation. Sometimes a good gig just falls through. And of course I’m disappointed. Hell, sometimes I’m pissed off. It’s happened a fair number of times to me. My life was never handed to me on a silver platter. Just because I gain a little more confidence in myself doesn’t mean the world has a little more confidence in me.

Patience has been a tough thing for me lately. As someone who has really been feeling their bassoon oats lately, I’d be lying if I said any setback I have doesn’t affect me. Quite the opposite. It agitates me. Is life passing me by? Not sure yet, But it’s the moments of rejection that make me smash my face nose-first into the grindstone. Just need to keep my head down a lot longer, and work suer hard until something happens. Every obstacle is just something to jump on top of, do some sick parkour trick off of, and sprint to the next thing.

It's Okay to be Not Okay

Today was a feeling sad kind of day. It’s not that anything is severely failing in my life, or some major tragedy has managed to strike. I’m just…not okay. I can feel my energy draining from me. Maybe I’m tired and it’s late. Maybe I pushed myself too hard. Maybe it’s just the beginning of the school year. I don’t know.

It is okay to not be okay. It’s always been that way. So what if I’m not happy? I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. So what if I have no confidence in myself right now? It’s okay, I’m still believing. What does it matter that I have low energy? Maybe I need a recharge. But that’s life. Even Mozart had days where he wanted to lay in bed and do nothing.

A Strange Audition Story

I had an audition go south today. I messed up in the first excerpt. I was able to recover, but in the end, I didn’t advance into the later rounds like I had hoped. I’ve been spending the rest of the day in my hotel, just decompressing and thinking about what went wrong today. The semi-finals and finals of auditions are not unattainable goals for me: I’ve already been there, done that. But why do some auditions go better than others?

One thing that sticks out like a sore thumb for me was warm-up. It went really great, actually. The preliminary list was really well constructed, with a balance of technique and musicality. I thought I had a realistic shot at getting into the next round. Usually during audition warm-ups, I reserve the last 5-10 minutes to just looking at a mirror and meditating, reflecting on the process that led me to this audition. I was in the middle of it, gaining my concentration, when the person in the room next to me started to BLAST an orchestra recording of the Mozart Concerto. It was very loud. She then proceeded to do the whole preliminary list, playing the recordings as loud as physically possible, while also playing so overtly loud I had no choice but to sit there in complete shock.

She was in warm-up for as long as I was, and when she played, it was at a relatively respectable volume. There were some off things, like the very loud drone she used to begin her warm-up. That’s fine, but it doesn’t have to pierce my ears. But then those recordings kicked in, and it freaked me out. In all my years of auditioning, I’ve never experienced something that strange. And then after she finished playing along, she played the theme to Indiana Jones??? Like…???? She started playing other songs and singing along after she was done. It threw me off mental game for sure.

My mental strength has to improve for auditions. I honestly don’t feel nervous at all, but I am prone to making mistakes if I am distracted, and I was definitely distracted for this audition. Meditation has been my go-to for centering myself before any high-pressure situation. What I always try to strive for is self-affirmation: if I understand that regardless of what happens that I did the work and have improved as a human, I should be happy. But outside forces sometimes get in the way. I’ve had audition breakthroughs before. I know what the other side of a preliminary audition is like. It might be a while until I’m back in the thick of things, but I know that I have to do the work, both physically and psychologically. Until then, it’s back to the grind.

A Quick Update: I'M IN LONDON!!!

As of July 17th, 2019, I am in London, England, United Kingdom, Europe, World for the 2019 BBC Proms! As I have stated in a previous blog, I’m in a joint orchestra with Juilliard and the Royal Academy of Music! All the musicians are amazing, and the bassoon section in particular is very strong. I’m playing contra for the whole thing, so I have to be solid rhythmically and harmonically. It’s a particular challenge that I have come to master in the past few years.

I haven’t had much down time, but in the few hours I’ve had, I was able to explore bits and pieces of this wonderful city. After we arrived at the hotel early Monday afternoon, we got the rest of the day off. A couple friends and I explored the city, and it was beautiful! So many historic buildings, interesting people, and incredible sights to see. This morning was also a time off, so I did some musical exploring of my own. I had heard from the Royal Academy bassoonists that Howarth London, an instrument maker/seller, had a really neat bassoon showroom, as they are also a licensed dealer for all the major bassoon makers in the world. I decided that morning would be devoted to checking it out. And boy, was it stellar. I tried many fantastic instruments, and since I’m in the market of buying a new bassoon, I made sure to take down all the notes I needed to make an educated decision down the line. There are 6 days left in London, so I’m gonna make the most out of it!

Summer Music Festivals: Am I Missing Out?

In a traditional college lifestyle, the summer is usually a time of relaxing. Without any classes in the way, it’s the perfect time to travel, get a summer job/internship to make some extra money or earn valuable experience, or just take a well-deserved break from the fast-paced schedule a university brings. But in the music school/conservatory scene, it means summer festivals: programs where college-age musicians gather for weeks at a time to put on concerts, masterclasses, and other music-related activities. It’s essentially summer school. They provide a really good opportunity for performances and you can forge life-long connections with musicians from around the world you wouldn’t meet on a normal day at school. But you’re also giving up some precious vacation time for it. They’re pretty lengthy, ranging from two to eight weeks. And if you’re not on a fellowship/scholarship, you’re paying for it out of pocket (average price 4000USD for the good ones). It’s not like an internship, where you receive college credit/money for your services.

I keep on seeing Instagram stories and Facebook posts from all my friends and acquaintances about the really really REALLY cool things they’re doing over the summer. They’re at festivals like Aspen, Tanglewood, Music Academy of the West, PMF, Verbier, etc. As much as I support every single one of them, it only makes me think: am I missing out? I mean, I’m a bassoonist at one of the top conservatories in the world (or at least I think I am). Should I be doing that? Should I be performing for eight weeks in the Colorado mountains? Am I not developing enough because I’m not doing these festivals? It’s not like I haven’t been accepted to these things, or that I haven’t done one before. I’ve been accepted to some pretty big ones, like Aspen, EMF, and Brevard. The money just wasn’t there…but that’s not their fault. And I have definitely done some festivals in my time. The last time I did a program in the summer was 2017, when I was at National Orchestral Institute (NOI, for short). And I loved it! Easy rehearsal schedule, full-tuition scholarship, and the studio recording I did while I was there was nominated for a Grammy. But recently, I’ve been wanting more than just a concentrated period of performances. I wanted to explore more facets of music, and most importantly myself.

There are plenty of reasons that I have chosen to sit out of the music festival circuit for the past two years. But it boils down to this: I wanted to reclaim that time. I’ve been fortunate to be working and teaching throughout the summer at small programs. And I find this work just as fulfilling. Especially the teaching: my dream is to work as a teacher/professor at a major university or conservatory. I’ve been working as a Teaching Artist at various camps for the past two years, and it’s really helped me define my personal teaching style and how I choose to share music with the world around me. When I was on the festival circuit, all my energy would be put into a product I couldn’t necessarily call mine. It was for the benefit of someone else’s credit, or it was a small piece in a massive puzzle. When I’m teaching, I can give my all and my students understand that what they’re learning is coming from me and me alone. The program that I’ve mainly been working with, stArt Osceola in Orlando, has been so great. I’ve been the head instrumental music/general music teacher there for the past two summers, and they really let me have creative control over my lesson plans. I can teach the way that I want to. I’ve learned how to teach music to a diverse group of personalities and art disciplines (this program is all forms of performance/visual art, but there are usually a majority of actors and dancers). And the most important thing: I learn how to collaborate with teaching artists from other disciplines. I was constantly watching improv classes, or speech classes, or even a dance class or two. I got to learn so much about the other worlds of art, and I got to work with these people on some pretty cool projects over the course of the program.

It’s also a matter of practice time. During the regular school year, I have a pretty decent amount of practice time per week, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m constantly having to dive in to another concert cycle, gig, or other performance opportunity, and I can’t focus on the things I want to. It’s the same at festivals: the rehearsal cycles are extremely short and concentrated at festivals, once again making me choose between what they want and what I want. I’ve been so lucky to really have the time to improve the aspects of my playing that I feel I’ve been lacking. Remember that “100 Days of Double Tonguing” project I started on Instagram? I’m currently on a little hiatus (I lost my voice and am resting up), but I’ve had a lot of fun putting that content online! I’ve also noticed progression in my double tonguing abilities. Not substantial, but enough to where I’m ready to take myself even further. I’ve gone so long without putting the proper workshop hours in, but this summer has been a good time for me to regroup and get all my ducks in a row for the next stages of my life. As cheesy as it sounds, I needed the time off. Though I’m not performing as much as my friends and colleagues over the summer season, I feel like I’ve taken advantage of the break from being on stage to make myself better in the way I see fit.

At the end of the day, it’s all about your personal taste: stay at home and work/rest, or go to an amazing festival and play. There are always going to be pros and cons for both. I guess the answer to my own question “am I missing out?” is yes and no. I chose to forego the festival circuit this year. Yeah, I haven’t performed in a full concert in about a month, but I’ve been pretty productive in getting the proper hours at the bassoon in. I might not be working with some other high level musicians, but I get to spend every day with my family, who I rarely get to see in the school year. It’s all about the right balance for you, and right now, I think I’ve found my perfect balance.

Double Instagrams for Double Tonguing

I think I’ve mentioned on this blog a few times that I suck at double tonguing. I’m not trying to gather sympathy. It’s just fact. There are a million reasons why I don’t do particularly well with this, but for me, it’s time that is really the main enemy. There’s only been about three years since I’ve been doing it consistently. “But Joey: that’s a f**king long time.” I don’t really think so. Double tonguing is being taught to kids as young as 15 or 16, so they get used to it and develop this skill. By the time they hit the professional circuit, their articulation will be as light as a feather.

It’s going to take a lot of trial and error to get to a good spot with my articulation, but I’m feeling super inspired to go for it! I recently started a second Instagram, @100daysofdoubletonguing, where I’ll be posting my trials and tribulations trying to learn this much needed ability. After that audition in Sarasota (read my previous two posts for this story), I pretty much came to the conclusion that I need to improve this first. It’s not the first time I’ve been shafted at an audition because my spotty articulation, but it’s happened too many times for me to think of it as only a coincidence. It’s going to be a tough 100 days, but the work has to be done. It’s not something that takes a miracle. I want to be the best musician I can be, and I will work hard to become the person I truly aspire.

The First Time I Ever Played in the Semi-Finals of an Orchestra Audition (Part 2 of 2)

Welcome to Part 2 of my most recent audition experience. In the last post, I talked about the first time I ever advanced from the prelim rounds of a professional audition. This will be a detailed retelling of the second day of auditions: the semi-finals. I know this is not super exciting content, but I think it’s cool to share this experience, because there aren’t a lot of people who know the behind-the-scenes of the orchestra scene. Tons of people ask me all the time what it’s like, and this is the best way I can explain it in an authentic way.

I was riding so damn high after day 1. I made it to the semi-finals of an audition for the first time in my life. This is uncharted territory for me. I’ve heard so many things about the higher rounds of auditions, and it was finally my time to experience it first hand. When I got back home that night, I didn’t practice. I knew it would freak me out. What I needed was a strategy. I sat at my desk, staring heavily at the list. In order to stand the best chance, I had to predict what was going to come in the next round. The first round, in my previous experiences, is all about rhythm and intonation. If you can’t play in tune or in time, you won’t be getting out of that prelim stage alive. Without the prelim excerpts on that list, there were two standout excerpts for me: the 3rd Movement from Ravel’s Piano Concerto in G and the Finale of Mozart’s 35th Symphony. These are two of the most notorious excerpts in terms of speed and precision. Much like the Symphonie Fantastique excerpt from Round 1, these two works can completely fall apart if it’s off by a hair. Given the intensity of these excerpts, I was fully expecting at least one of them to appear. Combing through the full Sarasota list, I pulled a few excerpts I expected to see on tomorrow’s excerpt list. I spent the evening visualizing myself playing these excerpts and listening to recordings. I needed to be as fresh as possible for tomorrow, so I didn’t want to over-exert myself by playing. It’s also a mental thing for me. If I don’t play so well the night before I’m under the lights, I usually get weighed down heavily by my own thoughts and insecurities. Not playing is a way of keeping my mental state cool and calm under fire.

The next morning was the same as the first. I woke up very very early and departed for Sarasota at 5am. I tried to dress more formally, since the screen could be taken down at any point and presentation would suddenly mean a lot more to some of the committee. The traffic seemed even more insane than it was when I went in for prelims. I think it was because I had driven into the Tampa area right as rush hour was starting to hit, which in Florida is like 7:30am-9:30am. I pulled in to the parking lot at around 8:50am. There were 12 semi-finalists in the audition, and I was slated to go 3rd at 10am. After check-in, I was quickly escorted to an individual warm-up room. Things were moving way faster than the prelims, but I anticipated as such. Last night’s predictions also paid off: a couple of the excerpts I circled on my list had appeared, including Mozart 35. This boi came READY. TO. SLAY. Warm-up was slow to start. I try to treat the first notes of the day like a figure skater would treat their first strokes in the rink, or a dancer stretching to help their body stay loose and limber. If they don’t sound good, my whole day will follow suit. As I revved up, I slowly tried to incorporate some short snippets of the excerpts in that warm up. Solos like Tchaikovsky’s 6th Symphony opening and the opening to Wagner’s Tannhauser Overture lend themselves well to warming up your sound and feeling for the instrument. Hafner? Not so much. It was like 60/40 during warm-up. It sounded good by the end, so I felt rather secure as I was asked to the audition stage.

It started innocently. The same door, the same cafetorium, the same chair, the same everything. It was a carbon copy of the day before. The list began with the Tchaik 6 solo, an excerpt that requires almost surgical control. I took a beat to center myself. It definitely helped: I only remember one little waver in the middle of the solo, but I kept it steady most of the time. Hafner was indeed next. This excerpt was the one I was particularly fixated on. If I could get over this unscathed, I could potentially decimate the other excerpts on this list. I began to play, and my body was like, “honey, no.” It was like Mao Asada popping a triple axel, or SImone Biles falling of the balance beam. The ball I had made painstaking efforts to carry was suddenly dropped. I don’t remember it going super well at the start. The first scales were so misaligned. It eventually got better, but those first couple of measures made my stomach drop. It was over. I couldn’t show it, and I knew if I let anything slip I would be cut off even sooner than I wanted to. The only choice I had left was to power through. In my mind, there was a sliver of a chance I still had a shot at the finals, and the only way that could be is if my next few minutes were on fire. I had four more excerpts to go, and it was time to kick it into gear. First was Tannhauser overture. Let me tell you: my anger was so heavily funneled into that thing in a good way. I’ve never played it softer and more sustained than this one time. Next was two Bartok’s Concerto for Orchestra. The 1st excerpt was good. I think I started the 2nd one in the wrong tempo. I was too deep in the rabbit hole to go back and do it again, so I just went through. Technically it was fine: no issues with articulation or intonation, as far as I’m concerned. But that tempo. I don’t know what happened. As I was gearing up for the last excerpt, a chunk of Brahm’s 3rd Symphony, I heard it. Someone from the back of the room behind the curtain just yelled, “thank you.” That was it. I was cut off before that last excerpt. I had no choice in the matter. The audition was over.

Being cut off could mean a myriad of things. I had basically resigned myself to thinking I had not made the cut. I slipped back into the warm-up room to grab my case, had a short conversation with the bassoonist in there, and went back out to the lobby to wait for the results. We were told that the committee wanted to hear everyone before they made a decision. Everyone. I was number 3 out of 12. It was a very nerve-wracking wait, to say the least. I didn’t know anyone in that round. The guy from my high school days wasn’t there, nor was the guy I went to Juilliard with. I was alone with my thoughts. I’m going to be honest, though; the more I thought about that audition, the more I was okay with it. I knew it wasn’t meant to be this time, but I was in the mother flipping semi-finals of a professional audition for the first time! My audition previous to this one (Central City Opera in Colorado) went PERFECTLY and I was told to go home after prelims. I had so much to be proud of here. I didn’t let the pressure get to me in these situations. I stayed calm even when things weren’t going my way. I learned the best way to prepare for an audition for my body, mind, and sprit. After everyone had gone, the personnel manager announced 5 finalists. I wasn’t on that list. I went home with a smile on my face, proud of the work I had put into this audition. I went back home, ready to prepare for the next audition, whenever that would be.

I know this seems like such a benign thing to be genuinely excited about, but this was a very important step for my personal and professional development. I’ve been beginning to lose faith in my own abilities recently, and something like this was just what the doctor ordered. I feel totally recharged and ready to make this summer the perfect time to develop my skills. Auditions are something I’ve slowly begun to get better at. Though they all might not have good outcomes, the stories I have from them always remind me that these are all important experiences to have. It builds character, and every time I’m out there, I can draw on the strengths from my previous auditions and keep moving up. If you want more audition stories, they’re probably going to come! I really liked writing about them, and I have some very interesting auditions from my time on the audition circuit.

The First Time I Ever Passed an Orchestra's Preliminary Audition (Part 1 of 2)

Professional orchestra auditions are the hardest thing I’ve ever done. At least one month of preparation, hours and hundreds of dollars worth of traveling, all for 10 minutes of playing and the only comment you get is “thank you” from behind a screen. There are multiple rounds, with the hardest round being the preliminaries. Because it’s the first round, the audition committee have fresh ears, which means even the slightest mistake means that you’re cut. I had gone through several auditions where I wasn’t getting past prelims, even the ones where I thought I had a near flawless run. I was beginning to lose hope. It’s hard to see yourself winning if you keep on getting the dreaded “thank you” from behind a black velvet curtain. This is the longest blog post I’ve ever had, but I think I needed it to be this way. It took me a while to process all these thoughts and memories, so I want to make sure I document this as acutely as I can, come back and reference what I did, and transfer it into my other auditions in the future.

This audition was like any other. It was for the 2nd bassoon job at Sarasota Orchestra in Florida. I was already home for summer vacation, so I thought I would give it a spin. The drive was three hours from Daytona Beach, so I woke up very early to make my 10:30 call time. I dressed quite casually, just a button up shirt, rolled-up blue jeans, and a pair of sneakers. Naturally, Florida has a ridiculous amount of traffic, usually for no reason. Because I left early (5:45 to be exact), I was able to get there with plenty of time to spare. I had a little time before my audition, so I was led to a group warm-up room. After I sat down, I took my sweet ass time to even get my bassoon out. My chances of winning this thing were pretty low, so I felt pretty neutral that first day. I didn’t play much in the group warm-up room. Just played notes here and there to get myself warm. I didn’t play excerpts at all. I think I was trying to save myself for the individual warm-up, but I’m not fully sure.

When I was in the individual warm-up room, it was clear to me that there was one excerpt I was having problems with. Symphonie Fantastique by Hector Berlioz has a plethora of tricky passages for all four bassoonists involved, and the king of these excerpts is the 16th note passage in the 5th movement. It moves by so fast, and one mistake could derail the whole piece. It was not going well in the warm-up room for me. Not at all. I kept on missing one of the arpeggios over and over again. All the other excerpts were actually going pretty well. It’s just that one excerpt. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. i tried every tool I had in my bag, and nothing seemed to be working. I spent a healthy 75% of my warm-up time trying to fix it.

It was a little while before I was summoned to the stage. I felt like it had been an eternity since I was ushered into that extremely hot warm-up room. When I walked out, a guy I’ve known since high school was just outside, waiting his turn to go in. I winked at him as I walked by, and it somewhat calmed me down. It was kind of comforting to see a familiar face. Waiting outside that stage door was also oddly calming. Even when it opened, I just thought of it as another audition at school, or just experience under the belt. I turned the corner and the stage was peculiar, to say the least. There was a built-in ramp up to a stage that overlooked a wood floor with scattered chairs. The signature black audition curtain was propped up in the back of the room. It was like those school cafeteria-auditorium combinations (the “cafetorium”, if you will). I sat down and got settled down for a few seconds. I played a few notes to get used to the space. It was somewhere in the middle: some vibrancy, but not too much. I centered myself, and soon began. The Mozart Concerto was first. I did it from memory, and it didn’t go too badly. Some fracked notes, but nothing too major. The excerpts filed in one by one. First comes Tchaikovsky Symphony no. 4, 2nd movement. It goes off without a hitch. Then comes Mozart’s Marriage of Figaro Overture. An excerpt I usually struggle with in pressure situations, but it didn’t go that badly. Another excerpt went by smoothly. Then, Berlioz was next. I had to take a beat to stop and mentally regroup. A calming breath, then I commenced. It…went weirdly okay? Some flubs here and there, but no catastrophic errors to my recollection. I remember not feeling much afterwards, but in a good way. I usually don’t get nervous in any audition situation unless I have one excerpt that implodes, in which case the excerpts afterwards are trash. But I was able to finish the list and not feel too terrible about myself. As I was walking out, the audition proctor (who is always in the audition room to act as your speaking voice for the committee) whispered to me “good job” as I left the room.

I slipped back into my warm-up room to grab my case. That guy I knew from high school was warming up for his turn. As I was packing up, we talked for a little bit, and it was nice catching up with someone I’ve known for a while, but haven’t seen for a while. He played some notes while we were talking: he sounded incredible. He had a new bassoon, and he had fast fingers over smooth, chocolatey sound. In my mind I thought, he’s gonna make it for sure. I wasn’t bummed out, but it definitely made me think about my audition more heavily and what I did in that room to affect my chances of advancing. I just sat in the lobby for the rest of the hour. Audition results come out in groups. I was in the 11am group, so I would know by noon whether or not I made the cut. I saw another friend, a guy that was at Juilliard at the same time I was, and we had graduated in the same year (but he was there for a Master’s). He had a little while before he was slated to go, so we sat and talked for a good while, which I was really happy about. He was a really nice guy and a great player, and it was so nice catching up with someone I hadn’t seen since graduation.

After he left, it wasn’t soon after until the personnel manager of the orchestra came by to deliver the results. I was sitting there with the guy from high school, just talking and having a pleasant time, but in an instant it was time to put the game face on and steel myself for what was to come next. She began with the usual spiel, “thank you so much for coming, I know how much of a time commitment this is.” I think I was on the edge of my seat for what was going to come next, “At this time, the committee would like to hear candidates number 7 and number 11 again. Thank you everyone for your time. The two candidates I announced, please meet me by the check-in desk.” Holy shit. I was number 7. My number…got called. I advanced? All I remember is saying “what?” very audibly. It was within earshot of almost everyone in the round. This wasn’t on purpose. I was fully not expecting ANYTHING. I was freaking the fuck out. And the guy from high school? He didn’t pass. I felt bad. He sounded so so so so so good in that warm-up room. But it’s not me who’s in charge of who makes it to semi-finals. It’s a panel of judges, and it was me who survived the cut this time. When the two semi-finalists from my round (me and a guy who I apparently met before [?]) met the manager at the desk, she smiled and said to me, “you look shocked.” I was. How could I not be? I just nodded and gave her my phone number as per her instruction. We were told to return the next day, and that we would get an email on the specific time. I left on such a high note. I remember changing into my sandals next to my car, when all of a sudden I just started jumping and screaming like a little boy. I was so pumped! I hopped in and began the drive home, but I couldn’t even leave the parking lot without screaming at the top of my lungs “CAN I GET A HELLLL YEAH???? CAN I GET A HELLLLLL YEAHHHHHH!!!!!” SEMI-FINALS, BAYBEEEEEEEE.

I’m gonna cut it off here. Stay tuned for my experience in the semi-finals for the first time in the next post! This is such an important moment for me and my limited experience as a musician, so I want to make sure I have every detail right, even if I have to take two different blog entries to do it.

Summer Break 2k19

It’s the last day of school, and that also means I’m halfway through my master’s degree. I never thought I’d be able to do something like this, so I’m very excited I’ve made it this far without a mental breakdown. Summer’s here! And of course I’m doing the right thing to my body and starting off my summer break with a relaxing…audition. The day after I go home to Florida, I’m taking an audition at Sarasota Orchestra. Love that for me. I’m actually really happy with how I’m playing, so I’m sure regardless of how it ends up, I’m going to leave that audition happy.

I also have had some major luck recently. I thought I wasn’t going to be playing at all during finals week (besides my normal practice, of course), but I ended up with two rehearsal gigs with a small community orchestra. They liked me so much that they swapped me in for the concert! I kind of feel bad for the girl that I was subbing for, though. But I was there for two rehearsals, and her only one. I guess the powers that be thought it would be best if I did the concert since I was more prepared.

I was also added to their permanent roster! The way it works for them is that they have a list of players for each instrument, and each cycle, they email the people they initially want to have on the concert, and if they can’t do it, they’ll move on to other people on the list. It’s unpaid work, but a lot these people aren’t professional musicians by trade. They’re accountants, programmers, doctors, and more. It’s still an excellent learning experience. So I’m excited to be joining them. And if I play with them enough, I could potentially doing a concerto with them. That’s one of the perks that comes with playing for them. Their rehearsal cycles are relatively short, like a week or so. If I have the time, I’ll definitely play with them again! They’re so nice, and everyone is there to have fun and make music. How can I argue with that?

Burnout? I don't know her.

I need to stop…not blogging. It’s just been a crazy year. An absolutely insane year. Grad school, teaching, auditions, my year has been stacked. Being as busy as I have been, I’m surprised I wasn’t…burned out. Burnout has been such a hot topic lately. It’s one of the aftershocks of success. We work so hard to achieve the things we do, regardless of the field. And when we finally get to a place where we are happy with the results, often we are just so wrecked. Insomnia, depression, anxiety, they’re all somewhat associated with burnout. But what I think saved me from this is having authority over myself. The undergraduate program at Juilliard is all go, and we are never granted even a second to think. Never a second to put our career into out own hands. So when I got into grad school, I was left with a bunch of questions: what do I want to do? How do I want to live my life? It sounds like a major inner conflict. And it is, really. But it’s the one thing I needed. I’ve had so many decisions made for me. It’s high time I learn how to make myself the person I want to be.

I guess I should update the 3.5 people who read my posts on what’s to come. I’m going to London in July! And guess what? I’M PLAYING IN THE BBC PROMS, MOTHERF**KERS. Juilliard’s doing a joint performance with Royal Academy of Music, and I was asked to play! I can’t be more excited. Other than that, next year is going to focus on the next round of school auditions: the DMA. This degree is the most important for me. It’s the one that can help me achieve my ultimate dream of teaching at a university or conservatory. So I will be putting a lot of energy into that. Wish me luck!

Too Far

This morning, a student I was teaching online let me go as their tutor. She was a student who wanted to take the AP Music Theory exam without having to take the class. I decided to take this on. The first session I discovered she was a relative novice, not knowing even the most basic of musical concepts, so I started from scratch. We just listened to music for three weeks. From there, I saw what she was beginning to be capable of. So I decided to get into the actual theory. It was going pretty well at first. We did scales, and some basic things like triads and 1st inversion chords, you know, basic stuff.

But the most recent session, I went too far. I don’t think I was overly aggressive, but I definitely was trying to push her past what she was capable of. This is just a personal thing, but when I push a student, it’s because I truly believe they can do it. We actually got to a good spot in terms of material. But I got feedback saying that she was tearful after the session. That didn’t feel good. It’s so hard to gauge emotion through a computer screen. I wish I was there in person just to talk to her and make sure everything was okay. Now that I’ve been let go, I won’t ever get the chance to apologize. This’ll eat at me for a while.

There is a lesson for me in this situation: never assume. I should have been more patient, I should have been more attentive to her rather than the material, and I should have been more of a human being than a teacher. I always say that a full-time teacher is a part-time psychologist: I just failed the psychology part. I wasn’t able to tap into her mind like I usually can with a student. As much as I want to make amends, I realize that this teacher-student relationship was not meant to be.

If you’re out there, student [who I will not name out of respect], I am truly sorry. I wish I knew earlier how you felt so I could have changed everything. I should have stopped myself and slowed myself down. I will respect your decision to let me go, and wish you the best going forward.

I'm...back?

Well it’s been a while since I’ve typed up a blog post, but let me defend myself before the 3 people who read this get angry. So I hyped up some new online content which I had to put the pause button on in early September when my computer literally stopped working. It just didn’t turn on. And unfortunately, I didn’t have the funds to replace it immediately. I had to really save and be strategic. In late November, I finally got a replacement computer! It’s a 2009 MacBook Pro, which sounds old, but it’s the exact model as my former laptop. My hard drive was intact, which has the Adobe Suite (Photoshop, Premier, etc.), so I was hoping to transfer that hard drive to my current laptop, which was a success!

Now that I’m back to a better online capacity, it’s time for a quick life update!

• Grad School is going great. Straight A’s last semester, teaching is going really well, etc, etc.

• I got to perform in Carnegie Hall for the first time in September (on my birthday!). It was Juilliard’s Bernstein Centennial concert, and Marin Alsop was conducting. It was amazing.

• I was a member of the 2018 New York String Orchestra Seminar! It’s a very intense, but super amazing program in the city that gathers the best string and wind players in NYC and play a bunch of great music in Carnegie Hall! We got to perform with Jaime Laredo conducting, and we also got to accompany great artists like Yefim Bronfman, Pamela Frank, and Joshua Bell! I am never going to forget this experience.

• An album I got to record with the National Orchestral Institute in 2017 got nominated for a Grammy in December! It was an honor being part of such an amazing project.

So yeah, it’s a new year, and hopefully, a second chance to really make this website something I can call my online home! I’ll start light by updating this blog more often, but who knows! Maybe some more online content is just what the doctor ordered.